Intro Emails: The Highlights

As far as emails go, the one or two word emails don't typically register on my radar. Usually, the tiny picture is enough to turn me off and I hit delete as quickly as possible.
There are, however, some opening emails that are just too good not to share.

This one from a "realguy":

"Mother Nature really did it right, cant imagine how many messages u get, although I had two in the same day once If u have a lunch cancelation please put my name on the waiting list. Honestly, not exactly sure what I am looking for in a relationship, but it would be really neat if it looks like you. Have a great day.............."

The man who hates punctuation as much as he hates shirt sleeves:

"Hi how are you my name is Joey I like your profile very nice hope u have a great night"

The English is a 2nd language suitor:

"I think you were born in England. Lol You seem very nice looking to make a new friend. Love to travel many countries to see with Italy being my next choice. I have been to England and loved it. Glad you are so involved with your sports activities makes you so alive. Let me know if this makes any sense. Thanks, Jasn"

No, Jasn, that did not make sense. Also, when did England become so funny? LOL.

This one did not ask if he made any sense, but it was definitely in question:

"Hi good morning I am here writing to you I read your profile and watch your photos . during these days, I found waiting for me any communication with you Her life is very interesting and it has several virtues I hope soon greet . Skipe = isid***** . FACEBOK = conta****"

I'm giving him the benefit of being drunk as he was typing it. I'm a bit concerned that he is currently stalking me.

And another:
"What do you work?"

Hmm, what do I work? I work the outdated keyboard of a Dell Latitude. What about you?

As entertaining as those emails can be. nothing quite compares to your winner of all winners for the most unique and lengthy intro. And for that ***Monkey (user name filtered to protect the guilty), I thank you.

"Please accept this introduction as it is meant; as an acknowledgment of your natural stunning beauty and an appreciation for your clever profile. Excuse the glum look in my profile picture as the flash from the digital kept lighting up the mirror and blinding me in the process.
Your positively absolutely stunningly beautiful smile and engaging profile captivated my attention. Even though I am a more older gentleman and Extremely Average Joe Palooka I wanted to introduce myself to one of the more natural beautiful ladies on the site. My name is ***** and am a smart, sophisticated, educated, intelligent, passionate, romantic, sensual Italian American professional gentleman. I have a wide variety of interests and activities that include live music and playing guitar, hiking, biking, animals, museums, good books, board games, stimulating conversation, sporting events, blues jazz rock, fine wine and dirty martinis, scotch whiskey, provoking movies, and practicing the long lost art of passionate kissing. IF you are open to being neighborly and corresponding with me then I would love to hear from you. Serious Romance, Passionate Pleasing, and Extreme Serious Spoiling Available upon request. Ciao........"

I cannot do any better. I hope I've answered at least some of your questions as to why I'm still single. Seriously? With those gems out there?