I'm notorious for not saving potential dates' numbers and instead relying on my sharp memory to decipher between 773, 312, 847, and varying area codes. After a failed date, I simply delete the message entry from my phone never to hear from the person again; I find it equally effective and rewarding. I sometimes need to scroll through texts and/or emails to figure out the name of my date, but usually just wing it hoping I'll recall en route.
As I went to meet what's-his-name, I realized that I might have wanted to implement my 5-minute rule. I hesitated as I saw him walking toward me, knowing that there would likely be no attraction. The guy did have an impressive resume with a successful Silicon Valley background coupled with a law degree so I knew he'd at least have the intelligence level I'd seek. Typical of those types of guys, however, he wore baggy jeans, chucks, and a bright blue Patagonia? jacket very much living the carefree California style.
Within a few minutes, I gathered he was nervous. His rapid-fire conversation was a lot to take in as well as his need to loud talk in a place that had maybe 8 bar seats (quiet to say the least). I tried to counter with an almost whisper-level until I finally had to tell him that he was being quite noisy. The conversation wasn't terrible; he didn't run out of things to say and there was never an awkward silence moment. While I could tell he was incredibly smart, I knew that he lacked a certain coolness factor that would ever make me want to hang out with him socially. I was determined to simply enjoy my wine and be home before bedtime and just make the best of it.
From my vantage point, I could see onto the street and found some entertainment in watching people walk by, commenting on anyone of interest. Little did I know that someone of interest would be walking by with his new lady friend. Remember the checklist guy from my intro? Yep, the one who had everything I thought I'd want in a suitor. Well, he happened to walk by and look into this tiny place just as I was looking out. We made eye contact. Prolonged eye contact, long enough for his face to go pale for a moment then have him promptly compose himself as if nothing happened. He then entered the restaurant with his lady and I slightly turned expecting some sort of civil acknowledgement (tiny wave, head nod, something). He did none of those things. He instead looked straight past me and walked to the hostess stand where they were then sat with another couple. I was pissed.
I wasn't hoping for some grand conversation or even a 'hello', but would have hoped for some courtesy at his age and apparent level of sophistication. Of course I told my date about this because I was clearly flustered. I give him credit for suggesting us getting a drink elsewhere, but my pride wouldn't let me leave my post (or the idea of resetting the date clock). I stuck it out and finished my date knowing that in no way did the (lack of) encounter influence my opinion of my date. He gave me the most awkward hug when we parted and I proceeded to delete his number as I walked to my car.
Monday, December 21, 2015
Wednesday, December 16, 2015
Things Could Have Gone Better
A last minute location change led my date to an Irish bar where only beer would be appropriate. Little did I know that this was actually a great thing as I could zip through a pint and be on my merry way.
I catch a lot of slack for saying this, but I think you can tell chemistry within a minute or two of meeting someone. I almost would like a 5 minute pre-date meeting outside to determine if I'd actually want to go inside for a drink! It'd save me time and my date a little money. Ever the good Samaritan over here.
Needless to say, when my date arrived, I knew there would be no romance to be had. I always attempt to establish a level of ease and comfort on a first date because it tends to relax both parties. Unfortunately, it did none of those things for my date. He seemed a little high strung like he was all "jacked up on Mountain Dew" so I countered with a quaalude-like countenance hoping to bring him down a few notches. Mission: failed.
He was almost impossible to converse with as he'd ask questions, sort of wait for an answer, then move on to a completely different topic. I asked where he lived and his point of reference was Excalibur (yes, THAT former nightclub in Chicago). He also told me that he had a really late weekend which I found out translated to going home at sunrise. His night consisted of DJ scenes and underground clubs then some artist's loft party while the "energy was really good". I'm going to translate that to mean he was probably on drugs. Seeing as I have an 8:30pm bedtime and don't partake in those activities, I knew this wasn't going to work.
I tried asking about his job (yep, sign of death) and he could barely articulate more than "real estate". I then asked about his commute to work west of the city and suggested he could take the bus. Little did I know that "bus" was some sort of trigger word. "I think the buses here are pretty reliable. I don't take the bus, but I don't know why. I mean I hear lots of people take the bus and they don't have a problem. but they breakdown, but I haven't been on one that's broken down, but I don't take the bus a lot. I hear that 1-4 buses breaks down every day." WOW. I'm pretty sure I had the most blank expression at this point because 1. he didn't take a breath and 2. who has that must to say about bus transportation?
The bar was pretty empty aside from another couple on a first date and a very drunk older woman (Jane) who only wanted some "conversation". Thank goodness Jane was there for some pure people-watching goodness so I used her as an excuse to discontinue all other topics of conversation. He was not amused. I finished my beer as the timer hit the hour and he begrudgingly offered to pay. The bill was $12; the credit card minimum was $15. He gave the bartender a bill and then looked over assuring me that he was not trying to impress me. Don't worry, I haven't been impressed.
The other couple also didn't have 2nd date potential and we mutually agreed that first dates are terrible. Swipe, delete number. Moving on.
I catch a lot of slack for saying this, but I think you can tell chemistry within a minute or two of meeting someone. I almost would like a 5 minute pre-date meeting outside to determine if I'd actually want to go inside for a drink! It'd save me time and my date a little money. Ever the good Samaritan over here.
Needless to say, when my date arrived, I knew there would be no romance to be had. I always attempt to establish a level of ease and comfort on a first date because it tends to relax both parties. Unfortunately, it did none of those things for my date. He seemed a little high strung like he was all "jacked up on Mountain Dew" so I countered with a quaalude-like countenance hoping to bring him down a few notches. Mission: failed.
He was almost impossible to converse with as he'd ask questions, sort of wait for an answer, then move on to a completely different topic. I asked where he lived and his point of reference was Excalibur (yes, THAT former nightclub in Chicago). He also told me that he had a really late weekend which I found out translated to going home at sunrise. His night consisted of DJ scenes and underground clubs then some artist's loft party while the "energy was really good". I'm going to translate that to mean he was probably on drugs. Seeing as I have an 8:30pm bedtime and don't partake in those activities, I knew this wasn't going to work.
I tried asking about his job (yep, sign of death) and he could barely articulate more than "real estate". I then asked about his commute to work west of the city and suggested he could take the bus. Little did I know that "bus" was some sort of trigger word. "I think the buses here are pretty reliable. I don't take the bus, but I don't know why. I mean I hear lots of people take the bus and they don't have a problem. but they breakdown, but I haven't been on one that's broken down, but I don't take the bus a lot. I hear that 1-4 buses breaks down every day." WOW. I'm pretty sure I had the most blank expression at this point because 1. he didn't take a breath and 2. who has that must to say about bus transportation?
The bar was pretty empty aside from another couple on a first date and a very drunk older woman (Jane) who only wanted some "conversation". Thank goodness Jane was there for some pure people-watching goodness so I used her as an excuse to discontinue all other topics of conversation. He was not amused. I finished my beer as the timer hit the hour and he begrudgingly offered to pay. The bill was $12; the credit card minimum was $15. He gave the bartender a bill and then looked over assuring me that he was not trying to impress me. Don't worry, I haven't been impressed.
The other couple also didn't have 2nd date potential and we mutually agreed that first dates are terrible. Swipe, delete number. Moving on.
Monday, December 14, 2015
Ron Weasley Is Totally My Type
I may or may not have a thing for gingers*. The first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem. I don't know when this condition started, but I find myself gravitating to the freckly, paler gentlemen. Maybe this is my subconscious trying to relive my college days when I dated a very handsome ginger (for 5 years, mind you).
Upon my return to match, I possibly did a search for men with "auburn/red" hair. Believe it or not, several single gingers do exist! I reached out to one and after some obligatory back and forth email, we decided to meet up.
I suggested lunchtime sushi to see if he was a diverse eater (he's from Kentucky so there was a question) and he happily agreed. On our walk there, I mentioned a Michelan-starred sushi restaurant in his neighbor to which he replied, "what does that mean." Ok, Mr.Kentucky wasn't so much of a foodie as he simply liked to eat; I tried not to let this affect my judgment for the rest of the date (I can be a bit of a food snob). We continued walking and the conversation was easy flowing. He talked a lot, refreshing, and even made some jokes so I rested easy knowing that lunch would be bearable.
He chose not to get the lunch special (absurd since a bento box is the best) and we continued to make small talk. I found out he was an attorney, but stuck to my rules of not asking too many work questions. Work questions are a last resort boring topic when you can't find anything else to talk about. I also had limited knowledge of him going into the date so I had plenty to ask him back. He, on the other hand, outdid any man I've ever dated in the question department. He even outdid my bestie who can acquire a SSN within 5 minutes of meeting you!
I got to talk about myself for most of the time though found it difficult to extract any information from him in return. How did you meet your friends? "Oh, you know, the usual ways."
I did, however, enjoy the date. When we left the restaurant, I wasn't opposed to a second date and he asked me out for the coming week.
Come day before date, I texted confirming our plans. He replied, "sorry, I can't tomorrow" and neglected to suggest an alternate date. Hmm...odd. I left it alone. I did not hear from again.
Damn you, Ron Weasley!
*is "ginger" politically correct? or do they prefer a different classification?
***update: have heard from several red-headed friends and they are ok with the term "ginger"***
Upon my return to match, I possibly did a search for men with "auburn/red" hair. Believe it or not, several single gingers do exist! I reached out to one and after some obligatory back and forth email, we decided to meet up.
I suggested lunchtime sushi to see if he was a diverse eater (he's from Kentucky so there was a question) and he happily agreed. On our walk there, I mentioned a Michelan-starred sushi restaurant in his neighbor to which he replied, "what does that mean." Ok, Mr.Kentucky wasn't so much of a foodie as he simply liked to eat; I tried not to let this affect my judgment for the rest of the date (I can be a bit of a food snob). We continued walking and the conversation was easy flowing. He talked a lot, refreshing, and even made some jokes so I rested easy knowing that lunch would be bearable.
He chose not to get the lunch special (absurd since a bento box is the best) and we continued to make small talk. I found out he was an attorney, but stuck to my rules of not asking too many work questions. Work questions are a last resort boring topic when you can't find anything else to talk about. I also had limited knowledge of him going into the date so I had plenty to ask him back. He, on the other hand, outdid any man I've ever dated in the question department. He even outdid my bestie who can acquire a SSN within 5 minutes of meeting you!
I got to talk about myself for most of the time though found it difficult to extract any information from him in return. How did you meet your friends? "Oh, you know, the usual ways."
I did, however, enjoy the date. When we left the restaurant, I wasn't opposed to a second date and he asked me out for the coming week.
Come day before date, I texted confirming our plans. He replied, "sorry, I can't tomorrow" and neglected to suggest an alternate date. Hmm...odd. I left it alone. I did not hear from again.
Damn you, Ron Weasley!
*is "ginger" politically correct? or do they prefer a different classification?
***update: have heard from several red-headed friends and they are ok with the term "ginger"***
Wednesday, December 9, 2015
Intro Emails: The Highlights
As far as emails go, the one or two word emails don't typically register on my radar. Usually, the tiny picture is enough to turn me off and I hit delete as quickly as possible.
There are, however, some opening emails that are just too good not to share.
This one from a "realguy":
"Mother Nature really did it right, cant imagine how many messages u get, although I had two in the same day once If u have a lunch cancelation please put my name on the waiting list. Honestly, not exactly sure what I am looking for in a relationship, but it would be really neat if it looks like you. Have a great day.............."
The man who hates punctuation as much as he hates shirt sleeves:
"Hi how are you my name is Joey I like your profile very nice hope u have a great night"
The English is a 2nd language suitor:
"I think you were born in England. Lol You seem very nice looking to make a new friend. Love to travel many countries to see with Italy being my next choice. I have been to England and loved it. Glad you are so involved with your sports activities makes you so alive. Let me know if this makes any sense. Thanks, Jasn"
No, Jasn, that did not make sense. Also, when did England become so funny? LOL.
This one did not ask if he made any sense, but it was definitely in question:
"Hi good morning I am here writing to you I read your profile and watch your photos . during these days, I found waiting for me any communication with you Her life is very interesting and it has several virtues I hope soon greet . Skipe = isid***** . FACEBOK = conta****"
I'm giving him the benefit of being drunk as he was typing it. I'm a bit concerned that he is currently stalking me.
And another:
"What do you work?"
Hmm, what do I work? I work the outdated keyboard of a Dell Latitude. What about you?
As entertaining as those emails can be. nothing quite compares to your winner of all winners for the most unique and lengthy intro. And for that ***Monkey (user name filtered to protect the guilty), I thank you.
"Please accept this introduction as it is meant; as an acknowledgment of your natural stunning beauty and an appreciation for your clever profile. Excuse the glum look in my profile picture as the flash from the digital kept lighting up the mirror and blinding me in the process.
Your positively absolutely stunningly beautiful smile and engaging profile captivated my attention. Even though I am a more older gentleman and Extremely Average Joe Palooka I wanted to introduce myself to one of the more natural beautiful ladies on the site. My name is ***** and am a smart, sophisticated, educated, intelligent, passionate, romantic, sensual Italian American professional gentleman. I have a wide variety of interests and activities that include live music and playing guitar, hiking, biking, animals, museums, good books, board games, stimulating conversation, sporting events, blues jazz rock, fine wine and dirty martinis, scotch whiskey, provoking movies, and practicing the long lost art of passionate kissing. IF you are open to being neighborly and corresponding with me then I would love to hear from you. Serious Romance, Passionate Pleasing, and Extreme Serious Spoiling Available upon request. Ciao........"
I cannot do any better. I hope I've answered at least some of your questions as to why I'm still single. Seriously? With those gems out there?
There are, however, some opening emails that are just too good not to share.
This one from a "realguy":
"Mother Nature really did it right, cant imagine how many messages u get, although I had two in the same day once If u have a lunch cancelation please put my name on the waiting list. Honestly, not exactly sure what I am looking for in a relationship, but it would be really neat if it looks like you. Have a great day.............."
"Hi how are you my name is Joey I like your profile very nice hope u have a great night"
The English is a 2nd language suitor:
"I think you were born in England. Lol You seem very nice looking to make a new friend. Love to travel many countries to see with Italy being my next choice. I have been to England and loved it. Glad you are so involved with your sports activities makes you so alive. Let me know if this makes any sense. Thanks, Jasn"
No, Jasn, that did not make sense. Also, when did England become so funny? LOL.
This one did not ask if he made any sense, but it was definitely in question:
"Hi good morning I am here writing to you I read your profile and watch your photos . during these days, I found waiting for me any communication with you Her life is very interesting and it has several virtues I hope soon greet . Skipe = isid***** . FACEBOK = conta****"
I'm giving him the benefit of being drunk as he was typing it. I'm a bit concerned that he is currently stalking me.
And another:
"What do you work?"
Hmm, what do I work? I work the outdated keyboard of a Dell Latitude. What about you?
As entertaining as those emails can be. nothing quite compares to your winner of all winners for the most unique and lengthy intro. And for that ***Monkey (user name filtered to protect the guilty), I thank you.
"Please accept this introduction as it is meant; as an acknowledgment of your natural stunning beauty and an appreciation for your clever profile. Excuse the glum look in my profile picture as the flash from the digital kept lighting up the mirror and blinding me in the process.
Your positively absolutely stunningly beautiful smile and engaging profile captivated my attention. Even though I am a more older gentleman and Extremely Average Joe Palooka I wanted to introduce myself to one of the more natural beautiful ladies on the site. My name is ***** and am a smart, sophisticated, educated, intelligent, passionate, romantic, sensual Italian American professional gentleman. I have a wide variety of interests and activities that include live music and playing guitar, hiking, biking, animals, museums, good books, board games, stimulating conversation, sporting events, blues jazz rock, fine wine and dirty martinis, scotch whiskey, provoking movies, and practicing the long lost art of passionate kissing. IF you are open to being neighborly and corresponding with me then I would love to hear from you. Serious Romance, Passionate Pleasing, and Extreme Serious Spoiling Available upon request. Ciao........"
I cannot do any better. I hope I've answered at least some of your questions as to why I'm still single. Seriously? With those gems out there?
Monday, December 7, 2015
Do Better, Gentlemen.
While I only post about dates I've actually been on, I have plenty of highlights from my adventures in online dating. Having read Aziz Ansari's Modern Romance, I really agree that poor communication is a sign of my generation. How am I supposed to gain any insight from intro emails that simply say "sup" or "beautiful" or "hey"?
Yes, writing those emails is the absolute worst. How the heck are you supposed to instantly grab someone's attention and then have them want to write back when today's man can barely use punctuation in a text message? Don't get me started on the your/you're/ur usage.
I also have to take these pathetic casts with a grain of salt as several of the men lack high school diplomas so I can't expect Shakespearean quality.
Recently, I received the following:
Hi there
Yep, that's all there is to it. I clicked on this man's profile to find him a well-educated, successful 45 year old man. Are you kidding me?? I really pegged my generation as hopeless, seeking only older, wiser, more experienced men in my current dating pool. A man more than 10 years senior, however? Well, there must be no hope left at all. I was so heated by this (I know, Idina Menzel would tell me to let it go) that I just had to respond.
I thought it was only my generation that was hopeless with communication, but you've proved that that it spans years.
Is "hi there" the best opener you could have made?
He didn't respond and I didn't expect him to. Maybe he was embarrassed that he's being called out for his laziness. I actually wanted him to somewhat defend his position. Not saying it would have resulted in a date, but I would have liked to know that there's a man of substance behind the "hi there".
Has the digital age retarded our communication abilities?
As my best guy friend would say, "We've got to do better, gentlemen."
Has the digital age retarded our communication abilities?
As my best guy friend would say, "We've got to do better, gentlemen."
Thursday, December 3, 2015
You're so...Vanilla
After ole toothy, I gave myself some time to find a guy who didn't make me cringe in-person.
My next date was with a man so clean-cut that I knew good orthodontia was a given. I checked every one of his pictures to count all of his teeth, measure any gaps, and spot any sunglasses. He made the cut.
He seemed quite nice from initial interactions and I made sure to limit any texts to coordinating plans. I've learned my lesson that over-communication can lead to inflated expectations which ultimately lead to utter disappointment. I had zero details going into this one. He was, however, never married. Maybe I'm turning over a new leaf?
We planned to meet for a happy hour drink which assured me I'd be home and in bed by 9pm. I was running late due to traffic and promptly texted him apologizing. Being a gentleman, he waited outside of the establishment until I arrived very stressed 10 minutes late. He gave me an awesome hug which allowed me to relax and settle into the date. I was still a bit of a mess (can't stand being late) so I speed talked until I had that first sip of wine. I had a feeling I'd be carrying the weight of conversation, but he was pretty so I didn't mind much. In addition, he had some great fucking teeth so if I needed a break in convo, I'd just admire his orthodontist's handiwork. Is it weird to say that I also thought he had very nice lips? Not in the overly girly way, just saying man knows his way around some chapstick.
Aside from his face, I didn't find him to be a man of much interest. I strayed from work questions because frankly, I don't care that much and tried to find some spark in our conversation. The closest we got was talking about his college life as a water polo player and I had all sorts of questions. None of these led to any real chemistry and I was beginning to see that my pretty boyfriend and our beautiful children would never be.
I asked him about traveling and his friends seemed to be all the excitement in that circle; I think his liveliest self came out while reminiscing about his friends' stories. I was feeling very much Danny Zuko to his Sandy which could partly be due to my leather-like pants in contrast to his button-up shirt tucked into jeans. I commented that his friends seemed more like the risk-takers and he said that he rarely gets the chance to be himself. I suggested we be ourselves for the remainder of the date and not do the 1st-date-filter. I remained on my best behavior because Sandra Dee would not be able to handle me and he acted more of the same.
While he was nothing but nice and quite cute, he had no edge or spark or je ne sais quoi. He walked me to my uber and left me with another great hug. At least he had that going for him. Plus the great teeth.
My next date was with a man so clean-cut that I knew good orthodontia was a given. I checked every one of his pictures to count all of his teeth, measure any gaps, and spot any sunglasses. He made the cut.
He seemed quite nice from initial interactions and I made sure to limit any texts to coordinating plans. I've learned my lesson that over-communication can lead to inflated expectations which ultimately lead to utter disappointment. I had zero details going into this one. He was, however, never married. Maybe I'm turning over a new leaf?
We planned to meet for a happy hour drink which assured me I'd be home and in bed by 9pm. I was running late due to traffic and promptly texted him apologizing. Being a gentleman, he waited outside of the establishment until I arrived very stressed 10 minutes late. He gave me an awesome hug which allowed me to relax and settle into the date. I was still a bit of a mess (can't stand being late) so I speed talked until I had that first sip of wine. I had a feeling I'd be carrying the weight of conversation, but he was pretty so I didn't mind much. In addition, he had some great fucking teeth so if I needed a break in convo, I'd just admire his orthodontist's handiwork. Is it weird to say that I also thought he had very nice lips? Not in the overly girly way, just saying man knows his way around some chapstick.
Aside from his face, I didn't find him to be a man of much interest. I strayed from work questions because frankly, I don't care that much and tried to find some spark in our conversation. The closest we got was talking about his college life as a water polo player and I had all sorts of questions. None of these led to any real chemistry and I was beginning to see that my pretty boyfriend and our beautiful children would never be.
I asked him about traveling and his friends seemed to be all the excitement in that circle; I think his liveliest self came out while reminiscing about his friends' stories. I was feeling very much Danny Zuko to his Sandy which could partly be due to my leather-like pants in contrast to his button-up shirt tucked into jeans. I commented that his friends seemed more like the risk-takers and he said that he rarely gets the chance to be himself. I suggested we be ourselves for the remainder of the date and not do the 1st-date-filter. I remained on my best behavior because Sandra Dee would not be able to handle me and he acted more of the same.
While he was nothing but nice and quite cute, he had no edge or spark or je ne sais quoi. He walked me to my uber and left me with another great hug. At least he had that going for him. Plus the great teeth.
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