Ain't Worth the Coffee

By no means do I consider myself a revolutionary, BUT I do have to say that I might have found a remedy for first dates. Taking a dry January has forced me to suggest coffee dates vs drinks date which means I can pick weekend dead zones to fit these in. At first, I was worried about the lack of alcohol and my ability to maintain a conversation (sad, I know), but it has eliminated all lubricant-induced false emotions. Dry dates let me sit back and make my judgments quickly and clearly and the single coffee date has made for fast work. If I arrive early, I purchase my own coffee which removes the guiltiness of maintaining conversation because they got me a drink. The coffee date also ensures that meeting will not go over an hour if I don't want it to because who suggests "one more?" cup of coffee?

I got back on the dating wagon (or is it off, I always forget) and set-up my ingenious coffee date with a bumble gentleman. To my dismay, he had arrived early and I didn't have a planned easy out. He was also doing work at a coffee bar which didn't lend itself to a comfortable greeting or even a warm welcome. I wasn't going to be discouraged. He interviewed me through a series of rapid-fire questions which lacked sentiment or concern and after he dismissed my follow-ups, I knew I wasn't finding true love on this date. He might, however, make a great reference for my next position.

He went through my activities and workouts and of course inquired about the whole crossfit thing. Yes, that's my workout. No, I don't want to discuss it. Yes, paleo is a thing. No, I don't want to go into detail. Yes, I know her. Oh, you dated. She's also Ukrainian. With blond hair. So you have a type. Small world. I wasn't bothered by the fact that he dated someone at my gym, but I was wondering why there was a complete lack of disclosure about anything else in his life. Actually, I didn't care. There was zero chemistry and the amazing coffee wasn't worth sitting through this date. He ended the date by saying that I could stay for a refill, but he wouldn't be joining me. Charming man. We walked out together and I thanked him for the cup and opted to go in the opposite direction. Little did I know that my detour only led me to my parking spot on the same street. I idled in front of a building like the creep that I am. My awkwardness never ceases to amaze me.

Suitor two of the year was a guy  I swiped right to solely on our shared alma mater and expected to at least enjoy the company. Sans drinking, he suggested a spot that had both drinks and good tea options. He arrived late and I sat with my cup of tea acting like I was too good for the place. Once I saw him, I knew there would be no romance to be had even if he had a great personality! Unfortunately, he didn't.

He had just moved to Chicago and the Terpdom was the only thing we had in common. He also talked a mile a minute scarcely stopping to breathe or allow me to respond (what a contrast from the man before). Due to his scattered conversation, I spoke as though I downed more than a few sedatives. whhhheeeerrrreeee diiiiiid youuuuu mooooove from? It was a stark contrast to his speech cadence, for sure. He probably thought I was a bit slow or that I had a drug problem. Actually, I don't think he noticed. He kept at it. Bouncing from thought to thought like a chinese ping pong match. Though I was dismayed, the tea was amazing. I used my tried and true 8pm bedtime out though not before he asked me for city recommendations in case I wanted to join him sometime. Sorry. Turtle power will not get you a second date. And just like that, I was welcomed back to the dating world.

Old Habits Die Hard

As much as I looked forward to finally seeing the direction this guy and I would head, I knew enough not to count my chickens before they hatched. I didn't hear from him during the week (typical) and ended up asking if he had a "hot date" for the weekend. He didn't. He had a work party. Seriously??

Had I fabricated our date with a place and time at that? He was apologetic and swore he could do both as long as I was okay with an early dinner. I was irked. On top of that, he was slow to respond when I tried to confirm the plans. I debated cancelling altogether, but knew I'd be no closer to closure if I didn't see him another time; this was not something I wanted to linger for months on end.

A friend asked why he didn't invite me to the party too and I had no response. I wasn't expecting much at this point. I dressed to the nines to make sure he knew exactly what he'd be missing out on by cutting our date short and when he arrived, I knew he definitely noticed. Dinner was wonderful, actually, and I was impressed with both his ordering skills and his conversation. Damnit, He did end up inviting me to the party and suggested we grab an after dinner drink vs. heading straight there. The dress worked. We ventured to a speakeasy type place within a hotel and chatted easily with a couple in the elevator up. Once there, the four of us continued to converse and opted to share a table. This younger couple asked how long we'd been together and we laughed off the comment saying we'd only been on a few dates. "oh, you two are great together" And there it was. All the validation I needed from months of being led on... We were pretty great together that night and I got to picture what it'd be like to date him, how it'd be out with friends. All of it was appealing. He found out that plus ones (or threes) weren't accepted at the party, but he promised he'd meet up later.

The next day he asked my following weekend's plans and I considered easing my guard. We both had parties to attend, but we'd be happy to meet up after (which we did). By the time I saw him, he was more than a few sheets, but I somehow didn't mind. Once we ventured to my place, we shared a nightcap on the couch and he volunteered some information about his ex (something he shared with the couple the weekend before). I didn't pry and handy google had given me plenty to stalk in the months in between dates. As he faded out of conversation, I wished I asked more but then again, I was still unsure about dating him and didn't need to know. In his state, he dozed off on the couch and I was pumped to have a bed to myself. Actually, this was the best scenario possible- a gentleman caller who won't disrupt my sleep (noted). 

He surfaced in my bed in the morning and we had easy conversation. I felt no need to filter or evade and I found myself just as at ease as our first date. I noticed his phone kept buzzing (who calls at 6am on a Sunday morning??) and asked if he needed to get that. He said no. His phone kept ringing and I finally glanced the name. The ex, The one he said was crazy. I called him out. He didn't deny it. He also hadn't stopped talking to her (broken up for over and year) and though I didn't want to ask, hadn't stopped sleeping with her either. At this point, i was more disappointed than anything. I wasn't expecting any sort of exclusivity, but a muddled ex-relationship was more than I bargained for. That said, I was relieved to have discovered this early on before I was invested in this emotionally unavailable guy. Lessons learned.

Miss Communication

True to my word, I didn't chase the guy who wasn't interested. A month or so went by and I randomly texted him inquiring about his favorite restaurant. Much to my surprise, he responded immediately and suggested we go sometime soon. We texted sporadically throughout the night and after all the wine, I apparently suggested he come over. So much for the "respect me, date me" scenario I had anticipated. Needless to say, he jumped at the opportunity and said he'd make it over as soon as he could.

I, however, completely forgot the plan by the time I got home and instead opted for a peaceful pass out alone in my bed. I awoke to several missed calls, texts, and messages. Only then did it occur to me that an invite has transpired the night before. My bad. He called me in the morning and called me out and we had a good laugh. No, I was not planning on that happening again and no, that wasn't suddenly on the table. He suggested we get together the next afternoon for a regular hangout and for a moment, I felt that I got the upper hand.

By the time we met, he told me he had to go see an apartment and I could join him if I wanted to. I suppose this beats not seeing him, but it was hardly what I'd call a date. On our way, he told me that we should act like a couple buying and I should play the role of indecisive fiance. Well, if I must. Seriously, this would have been my dream a few years back. We played our parts and I sort of enjoyed this faux relationship while it lasted. We grabbed a bite afterwards and he proceeded to tell me that he was surprised to hear from me that weekend seeing as he thought I wasn't interested.

Me; really?
Him: Because you told me you weren't going to chase me.
Me; yea, because if you'd liked me, you would be doing the chasing.
Him (protesting): but I responded every time you texted
Me; that's my point. I shouldn't be the one initiating all the time.
Him: Oh.

We ended with him asking what I thought about him after each date and I was completely honest. I was still trying to determine if I liked him or not. He asked to go out the following weekend. I acquiesced.