My date interest level dropped significantly post-crush. I got off my one month motivation and started dreading going on dates. The next one was no different. We originally scheduled a Sunday afternoon date and we he asked to reschedule, I was relieved.
A colleague saw his profile the day of reschedule and had very good vibes about him. Maybe I was thinking about this all wrong. Thankfully, the Chicago weather dampened my hermit tendencies and I went on my date with only slight trepidation. He arrived straight from the office a bit flustered; I needed to get him a drink stat. When I said that I wasn't drinking this month, he didn't ask questions. He didn't change his order, he didn't make it a thing. Actually, he's the only person that elicited the most appropriate response to that. For some reason, that made all the difference in the date direction.
We sat outside and occupied the sole couch by the wood burning fireplace. Talk about romance! Since he made me feel at ease, I was able to be myself and commit to enjoying the night. We started out talking about the perils of dating apps which is a plight I know all too well. He asked me to talk about my worst date ever. Later, I promised.
We discussed being selective in dating and I mentioned a recent conversation in which a friend accused me of being too picky. He shared my sentiment. "Do you want to be in a relationship", he asked. Nothing about that felt intrusive and I honestly answered that I do with the right person, but I'm content being on my own. He again was in agreement. Later in the date, he confided that he was looking forward to having a family and shared some of his hopes for his children. Having been a big brother, he found the mentoring really enriching and mused that parenthood would be incomparable. I discussed my coaching career and current mentee relationship and talked passionately about the reward of each. Though I'd be reluctant to share this much on a typical first date, he was transparent and genuine and I followed suit.
We talked travel and he found a way to one up me for the last year. We discussed our to-do travel lists and found that many places overlapped. He divulged that he spoke German. I was impressed. He asked me questions and follow-up questions and I reciprocated. I wanted to talk to him all night. When we talked hobbies, I had to reveal my crossfitting ways to which he responded, "you have a pleasant figure." I looked at him and we were equally amused by the line. I liked that he could laugh at himself. (He did also note my butt...guys really have a knack for assessing the situation quickly)
I have to say that the most surprising part of night came when we talked about my parents living in Hawaii. He mentioned he had never been and my first thought was, you'd fit right in. No, that's not what I actually said, but it's the first time that I could see someone assimilating into my holiday time at home.
I did tell him about my worst date and he his. I even mentioned my inability to decline a second date in person. He asked how he'd be able to tell if I actually wanted to see him again. Aside from the mutual arm touching, I said I'd reply, "yes, when?" And when he did ask, we made a date. Two weeks from that night. We both had travel plans, but my planner-self appreciated the advanced notice.
Monday, February 27, 2017
Tuesday, February 21, 2017
The Crush Lifecycle
I may have been avoiding dates in the beginning of the year, but only because my efforts were focused elsewhere. On a crush. Yes, like the seventh grade kind.
I returned from the holidays to spot a new guy at the gym and the little I knew left me intrigued. My friend finally broke the ice and let him into our conversation circle and from there, I discovered that he was European and had recently moved to the states; his accent didn't betray a thing. I naturally used this as my in for our similarities. I peppered him with a million questions. I was fascinated by his life and constantly came up with excuses to talk to him. Can you plan my next Eurotrip?
My gym had it's annual winter party and when I saw him there, I played it cool. He spent the first hour talking to a girl who I mused to be his girlfriend so I decided to ignore him completely. He finally approached me and we spent the rest of the night enthralled in conversation. I had my wingman in tow who only encouraged my budding love connection, even if it was with a younger man (5 years younger). The tone of the night was certainly flirty and when we switched locations, he came along. Our romance was budding for sure...so much that when the crowd changed locations yet again, he and I remained deep in conversation in the comfort of a city speak easy. We stayed out till 1:30 in the morning, me maintaining all the composure. I got all flustered when I made eye contact so I knew this wasn't going to be a hook-up situation. Besides, try not to sh*t where you sleep, right?
We said our goodbyes.
From then on, this developed into a full-blown awkward interactions crush. I was in my element. If only passing notes was still in vogue... This led me to regular gym days and by regular I mean going 7 days a week in hopes of running into him. My old body had to make the sacrifice. I came up with excuses to talk to him and would miss his presence at my regular class times. This was a thing. I finally got the courage to ask him out; he accepted. I used the rouse of a last minute friend cancellation (80% true) so it could easily fall into the friend or more category. He cancelled the day before. I was disappointed.
This back and forth went on for the next week or so and he started texting me daily. I even attended weekend classes so we could workout together. On one of these days, I'm pleased to say that I was generally killing the workout and keeping pace with this twenty-something. I kept up this level and realized that he was starting to shave reps. I joked that he was cheating. I gave him the benefit of the doubt.
A few days later our workout had me aimlessly rowing as he was doing another movement so I had nothing but time to count. He only did 70% of the reps that time. The shiny luster started to fade immediately. After we finished, another gym mate noted that he only did 30% of the round before that. Now THIS was a dealbreaker. I texted him after providing some friendly advice. After 5 years at this gym, I knew things like this built a reputation fast. I said my peace.
Over consequent conversations, I made another age comment to which he responded, you assumed that. I recalled the first admission of age and he rebuffed saying that I gave a number to which he nodded his head (in agreement). Yes, that would make me think that you were that age. You nodded. Turns out he mislead me in that. Not only was he (or so I thought) 5 years younger, he was 10 years younger. That changes everything. No longer was he a potential suitor, he was a child. One that had a hard time telling the truth.
That day on I started to perceive him differently. Other people noted his continued rep shaving; I no longer wanted to defend him. I limited our interactions which only caused him to text me more; guys in their 20's can be so predictable. The death of the boy came when he casually mentioned that his girlfriend had plans on so and so night if we wanted to get together. Wait, what?? There were so many issues with that message. First off, the girlfriend thing was never mentioned. I'd vividly remember that and being a person with morals, I wouldn't have been chatting up a taken man. Second, because she was busy, he wanted to make plans with me. No, not going to happen.
The cute, promising foreigner fell from my graces quickly. His lack of integrity was a strong mar on his character and he proved to be a cheater in all facets of the word. DEAD TO ME. They're called crushes for a reason.
I returned from the holidays to spot a new guy at the gym and the little I knew left me intrigued. My friend finally broke the ice and let him into our conversation circle and from there, I discovered that he was European and had recently moved to the states; his accent didn't betray a thing. I naturally used this as my in for our similarities. I peppered him with a million questions. I was fascinated by his life and constantly came up with excuses to talk to him. Can you plan my next Eurotrip?
My gym had it's annual winter party and when I saw him there, I played it cool. He spent the first hour talking to a girl who I mused to be his girlfriend so I decided to ignore him completely. He finally approached me and we spent the rest of the night enthralled in conversation. I had my wingman in tow who only encouraged my budding love connection, even if it was with a younger man (5 years younger). The tone of the night was certainly flirty and when we switched locations, he came along. Our romance was budding for sure...so much that when the crowd changed locations yet again, he and I remained deep in conversation in the comfort of a city speak easy. We stayed out till 1:30 in the morning, me maintaining all the composure. I got all flustered when I made eye contact so I knew this wasn't going to be a hook-up situation. Besides, try not to sh*t where you sleep, right?
We said our goodbyes.
From then on, this developed into a full-blown awkward interactions crush. I was in my element. If only passing notes was still in vogue... This led me to regular gym days and by regular I mean going 7 days a week in hopes of running into him. My old body had to make the sacrifice. I came up with excuses to talk to him and would miss his presence at my regular class times. This was a thing. I finally got the courage to ask him out; he accepted. I used the rouse of a last minute friend cancellation (80% true) so it could easily fall into the friend or more category. He cancelled the day before. I was disappointed.
This back and forth went on for the next week or so and he started texting me daily. I even attended weekend classes so we could workout together. On one of these days, I'm pleased to say that I was generally killing the workout and keeping pace with this twenty-something. I kept up this level and realized that he was starting to shave reps. I joked that he was cheating. I gave him the benefit of the doubt.
A few days later our workout had me aimlessly rowing as he was doing another movement so I had nothing but time to count. He only did 70% of the reps that time. The shiny luster started to fade immediately. After we finished, another gym mate noted that he only did 30% of the round before that. Now THIS was a dealbreaker. I texted him after providing some friendly advice. After 5 years at this gym, I knew things like this built a reputation fast. I said my peace.
Over consequent conversations, I made another age comment to which he responded, you assumed that. I recalled the first admission of age and he rebuffed saying that I gave a number to which he nodded his head (in agreement). Yes, that would make me think that you were that age. You nodded. Turns out he mislead me in that. Not only was he (or so I thought) 5 years younger, he was 10 years younger. That changes everything. No longer was he a potential suitor, he was a child. One that had a hard time telling the truth.
That day on I started to perceive him differently. Other people noted his continued rep shaving; I no longer wanted to defend him. I limited our interactions which only caused him to text me more; guys in their 20's can be so predictable. The death of the boy came when he casually mentioned that his girlfriend had plans on so and so night if we wanted to get together. Wait, what?? There were so many issues with that message. First off, the girlfriend thing was never mentioned. I'd vividly remember that and being a person with morals, I wouldn't have been chatting up a taken man. Second, because she was busy, he wanted to make plans with me. No, not going to happen.
The cute, promising foreigner fell from my graces quickly. His lack of integrity was a strong mar on his character and he proved to be a cheater in all facets of the word. DEAD TO ME. They're called crushes for a reason.
Wednesday, February 8, 2017
We Weren't On A Date!
I wish this post was a follow-up to meeting the man of my (current) dreams but alas, he turned into a ghost or got hit by a bus. I don't know his last name to confirm the latter.
I did match with an overly chatty guy and was amused by our digital conversations. Within a few topics, he told me that he wasn't looking for anything serious because he just got out of a long-term relationship and wasn't ready for that. He just wanted someone to hang out with. While I appreciated his candor, I wasn't interested in a booty call and I knew he'd never make the dateable list. We kept the conversation going and he suggested meeting up that evening. Based on my assertions and my lack of nightly plans, I agreed to hang out. This wasn't going to be a date.
We had discussed a very memorable 2002 Maryland basketball win and he offered lend me the DVD. How generous. He followed that up with an invite over to my house that night, no intentions, so we could watch the DVD together. No, sir, I will not invite you into my house without meeting you or concluding that you aren't a psycho first.
He tried to play this off as a most normal suggestion and that he had, in the past, met a few of his close friends after a tinder first date to this effect. Thanks, but I'll pass. I still hadn't made plans in the hour that passed so we agreed on a local watering hole. I don't know what motivated me to meet him. Was it boredom-induced? Was it pity? Whatever the reason, I was up for a good story. I do have a blog to maintain.
Within minutes, I sat back, arms-crossed judging him all the way. But in a nice way. I can't explain it, but I felt like I came into this guy's life for a reason. That reason? To console him about his recent break-up with a girlfriend who is also his current roommate. Shit. He does need my help. I served as a sounding board for the next hour or so and learned everything I needed to know and more about the ex. Where she's from, how they met, what she does, her life plans, her hair color... Not a stone left unturned. This was definitely not a date.
I should have charged for my therapeutic company. He wasn't completely hopeless, but he was definitely in a bind. I lent my ear. Does this count as charitable work? Apparently my listening led him to believe that I was a most interesting person. He asked why I hadn't found someone yet citing the obvious fact that I was really fucking cool (humble too). I am. He went on and I got access to a complimenting doofus which made me feel incredible. We all need an ego boost.
Once he finally understood that I had zero intentions of anything romantic, I offered to help him with his bumble profile. We swiped and chose potential mates and I advised him on the etiquette of delayed responses. We were enjoying ourselves with no expectations.
He kept insisting that we needed to hang out again (friends) and I kept dodging the statement. This was a one-time free night in my robust social calendar and he'd never win a battle with a girlfriend outing. We hugged it out and parted ways.
Then he texted, "Had a really fun time tonight. Thank you again! Ur pretty cool."
And he died for me on the spot. "Ur" ugh. Take the time to spell it out. Also Ur is the abbreviation for "your" which is also grammatically incorrect.
I shook my head as that fit his character all too well. I then did a facebook investigation and found that he was mutual friends with a lacrosse friend. Small. fucking, Chicago.
I did match with an overly chatty guy and was amused by our digital conversations. Within a few topics, he told me that he wasn't looking for anything serious because he just got out of a long-term relationship and wasn't ready for that. He just wanted someone to hang out with. While I appreciated his candor, I wasn't interested in a booty call and I knew he'd never make the dateable list. We kept the conversation going and he suggested meeting up that evening. Based on my assertions and my lack of nightly plans, I agreed to hang out. This wasn't going to be a date.
We had discussed a very memorable 2002 Maryland basketball win and he offered lend me the DVD. How generous. He followed that up with an invite over to my house that night, no intentions, so we could watch the DVD together. No, sir, I will not invite you into my house without meeting you or concluding that you aren't a psycho first.
He tried to play this off as a most normal suggestion and that he had, in the past, met a few of his close friends after a tinder first date to this effect. Thanks, but I'll pass. I still hadn't made plans in the hour that passed so we agreed on a local watering hole. I don't know what motivated me to meet him. Was it boredom-induced? Was it pity? Whatever the reason, I was up for a good story. I do have a blog to maintain.
Within minutes, I sat back, arms-crossed judging him all the way. But in a nice way. I can't explain it, but I felt like I came into this guy's life for a reason. That reason? To console him about his recent break-up with a girlfriend who is also his current roommate. Shit. He does need my help. I served as a sounding board for the next hour or so and learned everything I needed to know and more about the ex. Where she's from, how they met, what she does, her life plans, her hair color... Not a stone left unturned. This was definitely not a date.
I should have charged for my therapeutic company. He wasn't completely hopeless, but he was definitely in a bind. I lent my ear. Does this count as charitable work? Apparently my listening led him to believe that I was a most interesting person. He asked why I hadn't found someone yet citing the obvious fact that I was really fucking cool (humble too). I am. He went on and I got access to a complimenting doofus which made me feel incredible. We all need an ego boost.
Once he finally understood that I had zero intentions of anything romantic, I offered to help him with his bumble profile. We swiped and chose potential mates and I advised him on the etiquette of delayed responses. We were enjoying ourselves with no expectations.
He kept insisting that we needed to hang out again (friends) and I kept dodging the statement. This was a one-time free night in my robust social calendar and he'd never win a battle with a girlfriend outing. We hugged it out and parted ways.
Then he texted, "Had a really fun time tonight. Thank you again! Ur pretty cool."
And he died for me on the spot. "Ur" ugh. Take the time to spell it out. Also Ur is the abbreviation for "your" which is also grammatically incorrect.
I shook my head as that fit his character all too well. I then did a facebook investigation and found that he was mutual friends with a lacrosse friend. Small. fucking, Chicago.
Thursday, February 2, 2017
Sober Dates Are The Future
Though my last two drink-less dates were duds, I would not be discouraged. I had matched with a most eligible bachelor and we decided to meet for a "drink" in my neighborhood. I walked the mile or so and was pleasantly surprised to see him outside as early as I was. He was haaaandsome. And well-dressed. And I was instantly attracted to him. I have a good feeling about this one.
We sat at the bar and I kindly informed him that I was in the midst of my dry month, but he was more than welcome to order a drink. He insisted that tea sounded great so we got two cups at the bar like we were too classy for that joint.
From there, the conversation flowed as easily as the jasmine green. He was well-traveled and knew enough about the world to provide an ample exchange. Had I found the one? The one with potential? He had climbed to Everest's base camp, climbed MT. Kilimanjaro, traveled to many countries, and ventured on several solo trips because friends wouldn't accompany him. I was already making a mental list of our future travel destinations. He had booked a solo trip to Japan on a whim and I was impressed by his self-assurance and gusto. I could get behind this.
In addition to the travel, he was also a nerd. But he's a sexy, socially normal nerd. Ugh. SOLD. He worked in IT and could easily joke about the nerd level of his coworkers (LARP, anyone). If you don't know about LARPing, we're likely friends. I joked about my coworker who brought a homemade chain mail shirt to the office. We have so much in common!
I felt so at ease with him that I talked about my interests in the symphony and the opera and he responded that he'd like to go. He had, in fact, just gone to the museum with a friend over the weekend. He had more innate culture than all of the perpetual bachelor frat boys combined. I asked about food. This could be a dealbreaker. While he couldn't call himself much of a cook, he did enjoy a variety of cuisine and was open to new experiences. Indian? Mediterranean? Korean? He was up for trying it.
This first date was going extremely well. I think he noted my shock as some point. Do you go on bad dates? Oh, do I! I shared the worst date story of the archives (spectrum guy who mentioned his penis) and he thought it was hilarious. I couldn't believe I was being my full self on a first date without any alcohol-fueled false premise. The weekday date went on for almost 3 hours (!) and I felt like I could have talked to him all night.
When we were leaving, he said we should hang out again and I began planning our future life together.
We sat at the bar and I kindly informed him that I was in the midst of my dry month, but he was more than welcome to order a drink. He insisted that tea sounded great so we got two cups at the bar like we were too classy for that joint.
From there, the conversation flowed as easily as the jasmine green. He was well-traveled and knew enough about the world to provide an ample exchange. Had I found the one? The one with potential? He had climbed to Everest's base camp, climbed MT. Kilimanjaro, traveled to many countries, and ventured on several solo trips because friends wouldn't accompany him. I was already making a mental list of our future travel destinations. He had booked a solo trip to Japan on a whim and I was impressed by his self-assurance and gusto. I could get behind this.
In addition to the travel, he was also a nerd. But he's a sexy, socially normal nerd. Ugh. SOLD. He worked in IT and could easily joke about the nerd level of his coworkers (LARP, anyone). If you don't know about LARPing, we're likely friends. I joked about my coworker who brought a homemade chain mail shirt to the office. We have so much in common!
I felt so at ease with him that I talked about my interests in the symphony and the opera and he responded that he'd like to go. He had, in fact, just gone to the museum with a friend over the weekend. He had more innate culture than all of the perpetual bachelor frat boys combined. I asked about food. This could be a dealbreaker. While he couldn't call himself much of a cook, he did enjoy a variety of cuisine and was open to new experiences. Indian? Mediterranean? Korean? He was up for trying it.
This first date was going extremely well. I think he noted my shock as some point. Do you go on bad dates? Oh, do I! I shared the worst date story of the archives (spectrum guy who mentioned his penis) and he thought it was hilarious. I couldn't believe I was being my full self on a first date without any alcohol-fueled false premise. The weekday date went on for almost 3 hours (!) and I felt like I could have talked to him all night.
When we were leaving, he said we should hang out again and I began planning our future life together.
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