After another unceremonious breakup (don't even know how you can be dumped by someone you aren't dating exclusively), I decided to check out what match had to offer. I hadn't logged on in over a month so my active time was brief. The next morning I had multiple emails which I'm guessing were triggered by some fancy match algorithm letting the masses know I was back into the game.
One fella, divorced (of course), reached out and we had a few friendly emails. He was nothing to write home about in the looks department, but the tiny picture appearing next to his emails gave me hope. This is a warning for those looking to date online. Never trust a main picture donned in sunglasses.
He asked me out in the coming day and I figured I had nothing to lose; it'd be a way for me to get back into that first date mode. He texted me that entire day and I was surprised to enjoy the interaction. Somewhere in those messages I asked if he looked like his pictures to which he replied, "I look exactly like my pictures." Hmm, why didn't I heed the warning? Maybe his willingness to respond to texts had lulled me in a false sense of comfort. He had asked me to name my top 3 deal-breakers (only 3!) on a date to which I replied (in this order), bad teeth, ignorance, bad manners. I thought it was an interesting icebreaker and don't think I reciprocated the question.
By the end of the day, I was really looking forward to our date and had mentioned it to a friend that night. She then inquired as to why he got divorced so I decided to text him and see. This is not something I would typically do. Especially before a first date! But I recalled him mentioning that he was open to all lines of questioning so I went for it.
Then I received the 30-something divorced man scripted response.
"We dated for awhile before getting married. In hindsight, we probably shouldn't have gotten married. We fell out of love. There was no more romance in the relationship. We left it on good terms. I'm still friends with her now. There isn't any awkwardness. The divorce was easy." and so on and so forth.
Heck, at this point, I could even catfish someone into thinking I'm a divorced man based on my experience with these responses. (Yes, Bradley Cooper of prior post had said the same thing on one of our earlier dates).
I looked at my friend and pleaded for her to agree that I should run in the other direction. I'm pretty sure this was the universe testing me. She didn't, however, tell me to run. She convinced me to at least go on the date.
We texted a few times the day of and I remember mentioning that I hoped his text personality would translate into real life (it usually doesn't). This time was no different. Credit should be due for him doing the cab pick-up on the way to get a drink (manners). The second I saw him at my door, however, I was crestfallen. You know better than to buy into a sunglasses pic! He was not cute. Not at all. Not remotely, and the whole cab pick-up scenario was now biting me in the ass. Nowhere to run.
I put on my big girl pants and mustered the courage to go have a drink (all the while hoping I'd see no one I knew). The single glass of wine was painful as faking it is not my forte.
Flashback to my dealbreakers... he lied and told me his teeth were great. They were not. He had a set of widespread snaggleteeth and I couldn't help but stare. He also talked and chewed with his mouth half-open thereby putting said teeth on full display. I'm sure my disgust was evident. Does this guy floss with pipecleaners??
I finally came out and told him that that we had no sexual chemistry and thanked him for the drink. HE then thanked ME for my honesty and was glad I didn't drag in on for a month before telling him. Again, shock. In what world would I drag on another drink let alone a whole month of dating before breaking the news that I found him kind of gross??
He wasn't a bad guy, just not for me. I learned that while I needed to get back into dating, I needed to remain a bit more picky with potential suitors.
Those teeth.
Monday, November 30, 2015
Monday, November 23, 2015
Divorced Guys are the Worst
Yes, my blog has been on hiatus. As you might have guessed I started dating date number 8, which turned into a whole 2 months.
After realizing I liked the guy, I broached the subject of seeing only him. Though this was met with some trepidation on his part, but I was confident he'd come around. After all, I had went out with enough guys to be pretty decisive about what I wanted. We continued to see each other regularly and I was never in doubt about his sentiments toward me. I also knew that I was a great catch no matter who else he would attempt to date.
At this point, I had met several of his friends (and their girlfriends) and he had met a lot of mine. This was a thing. We even went on a dinner date where I was enjoying myself more than I have with a man since I can't even recall when. I fully let my guard down and even with his reservations, I was prepared for the high-risk/high-reward situation.
And then the whole divorced man psyche came into play. All along, he had the insecurities of other divorced men. He needed affirmation that I liked him and wanted to see him. He needed to know I didn't want to date other men. If I ever acted slightly disinterested, he'd pull away. Then one evening he told me he needed to slow things down. Fair, we were spending a lot of time together then. I probed further asking him to clarify what that meant and if I should stop making plans. He replied, "No, you should still make plans. I just want to go slower." Fine. I'm okay with that.
I let him talk for what seemed like a good hour with little response as I inched up my emotional wall. He had never been a good communicator and listening to him explain what the fuck he meant by "taking it slow" was a bit torturous. He finally ended the conversation with, "I really like you and I don't want to mess this up so I need to take it slower."
My response? "Well why didn't you just say that in the beginning??"
He thought he did.
After I left in the morning, my guard was firmly planted. I was heading out of town for the next few weekends and knew the space he needed would be built it. I refrained from texting while I was away and looked forward to seeing him when I returned.
We finally had our next date and it was nothing less than awkward. His greeting was cold and I was sensitive to the fact that he might not like me. I, of course, countered with my own weird demeanor as I still had no idea how to define "slow". The next two hours seemed to drag on till he finally called the date and said there was no chance of recovering a good night. I was upset. Actually, I was pissed. I wondered if this inability to resolve conflict was a reason for divorce. Sure, it wasn't the best time, but wouldn't it be worth at least an attempt to make it better?
I heard from him sparingly the next week though he asked to see me one of the nights. The night before I get a phone call (rare) and I immediately knew he'd be cancelling. He went through a litany of reasons that we shouldn't be hanging out. It's unfair to you. You want different things. I can't be the person you need right now.
Woah, woah, woah, buddy. Where do you get off telling me what I want?? He tried to pin a lot on things I wanted though the issue was his inability to articulate what slow meant. I told him I was still unclear to which he replied, "I want to see you, but I want you to like me less." Seriously? Who actually sets that as an expectation? Additionally, when I did like him less, he got all weird. You can't have it both ways! I finally told him that if he didn't want to date me, he needed to simply state that and not try to involve my motivations in the process. He responded saying that's exactly what he was doing. *sigh*
I ended our conversation saying, "so how should I respond to this? Did you expect me to cry?"
He was relieved I didn't. I mean crying must have been on the table due to my undying love for him.
Divorced guys and mixed signals are synonymous. And that's when Bradley Cooper got hit by a bus.
After realizing I liked the guy, I broached the subject of seeing only him. Though this was met with some trepidation on his part, but I was confident he'd come around. After all, I had went out with enough guys to be pretty decisive about what I wanted. We continued to see each other regularly and I was never in doubt about his sentiments toward me. I also knew that I was a great catch no matter who else he would attempt to date.
At this point, I had met several of his friends (and their girlfriends) and he had met a lot of mine. This was a thing. We even went on a dinner date where I was enjoying myself more than I have with a man since I can't even recall when. I fully let my guard down and even with his reservations, I was prepared for the high-risk/high-reward situation.
And then the whole divorced man psyche came into play. All along, he had the insecurities of other divorced men. He needed affirmation that I liked him and wanted to see him. He needed to know I didn't want to date other men. If I ever acted slightly disinterested, he'd pull away. Then one evening he told me he needed to slow things down. Fair, we were spending a lot of time together then. I probed further asking him to clarify what that meant and if I should stop making plans. He replied, "No, you should still make plans. I just want to go slower." Fine. I'm okay with that.
I let him talk for what seemed like a good hour with little response as I inched up my emotional wall. He had never been a good communicator and listening to him explain what the fuck he meant by "taking it slow" was a bit torturous. He finally ended the conversation with, "I really like you and I don't want to mess this up so I need to take it slower."
My response? "Well why didn't you just say that in the beginning??"
He thought he did.
After I left in the morning, my guard was firmly planted. I was heading out of town for the next few weekends and knew the space he needed would be built it. I refrained from texting while I was away and looked forward to seeing him when I returned.
We finally had our next date and it was nothing less than awkward. His greeting was cold and I was sensitive to the fact that he might not like me. I, of course, countered with my own weird demeanor as I still had no idea how to define "slow". The next two hours seemed to drag on till he finally called the date and said there was no chance of recovering a good night. I was upset. Actually, I was pissed. I wondered if this inability to resolve conflict was a reason for divorce. Sure, it wasn't the best time, but wouldn't it be worth at least an attempt to make it better?
I heard from him sparingly the next week though he asked to see me one of the nights. The night before I get a phone call (rare) and I immediately knew he'd be cancelling. He went through a litany of reasons that we shouldn't be hanging out. It's unfair to you. You want different things. I can't be the person you need right now.
Woah, woah, woah, buddy. Where do you get off telling me what I want?? He tried to pin a lot on things I wanted though the issue was his inability to articulate what slow meant. I told him I was still unclear to which he replied, "I want to see you, but I want you to like me less." Seriously? Who actually sets that as an expectation? Additionally, when I did like him less, he got all weird. You can't have it both ways! I finally told him that if he didn't want to date me, he needed to simply state that and not try to involve my motivations in the process. He responded saying that's exactly what he was doing. *sigh*
I ended our conversation saying, "so how should I respond to this? Did you expect me to cry?"
He was relieved I didn't. I mean crying must have been on the table due to my undying love for him.
Divorced guys and mixed signals are synonymous. And that's when Bradley Cooper got hit by a bus.
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